I have been trying to think of the best word to describe how I am feeling right now and the only thing that I can think of is…antsy. For an infertile, this is the feeling you most often get after you have tried something and it failed and you don’t really feel like doing anything because you are so tired of all of the poking and prodding and disappointment but yet you feel like you SHOULD be doing something. Or maybe you kind of want to do something but not really but maybe you do and all that back and forth makes you antsy.
I finally got my period after 10+ weeks post D&E and feel how I always feel about my period…I am not really happy to see it but at the same time it’s arrival signifies a new cycle and new possibilities…maybe. Dr. F recommended that we do a hysteroscopy just to make sure there was no scar tissue from the miscarriages or anything else going on since my last one last year. So when I called to schedule it because as everything in the infertility world it has to be done on a CERTAIN day…days 9-11 to be exact. They also wanted me to come in to do ANOTHER day 3 follicle count and bloodwork. I am tired of bloodwork, my veins are tired of bloodwork and I am sure the nurse is tired of me coming in for bloodwork. But off I went on Day 3.
Dr. F eagerly greeted me with a “So are we moving on to IVF??” While I appreciate his enthusiasm, I still give my standard answer these days of “we’ll see” because it’s about as noncommittal as you can possibly be but yet still polite. As I laid on the table waiting for my ultrasound, I got really sad looking at that f***ing machine. I couldn’t help but think that I should be coming in for my whatever week ultrasound I should be on (honestly I have stopped counting the weeks that I would have been with this last miscarriage because it’s just too depressing) but instead I am looking at an empty uterus and my shitty ovaries. Unfortunately things only continued to go down from here. Dr. F informed me that my antral follicle count was 6 which I already know is on the really low side and almost half of what it was in January when it was on the lower average side. On the positive side my FSH level was 8.4 so at least that hasn’t given up yet. When I left the office I started to feel that awful infertility depression coming over me again…that pissed off, sad, angry, bitter, lost feeling. I hadn’t felt it in awhile and I am attributing it to that damn ultrasound machine. It can either be your best friend or your worst mother f***ing enemy.
Fast forward, to Day 9 and hysteroscopy day. For those who are not familiar with this procedure…it is where they dilate your cervix and insert a small catheter into your uterus. They then inject saline and a small camera so they can take a look inside your uterus. It’s not too bad except for some mild cramping when they dilate your cervix but it only lasts a few minutes. If you haven’t had one yet and you do end up having one I do recommend taking a look at the screen…I promise you will have a new found respect for your uterus. The worst part is when they have you spread eagle with nothing but a very thin paper sheet that barely covers you and you are waiting for the doctor to get started. It’s so awkward…for everyone.
During the procedure Dr. F noticed an area of “junk”…yes those were the words he used! Normally he is very straight and to the point and only uses proper medical terms. So when I said he excuse me he proceeded to tell me it was probably leftover “matter” from the pregnancy and that most likely with my next cycle it would be gone BUT because there’s always a but…IF we proceed forward with IVF then they would need to do another hysteroscopy to make sure it was all clear. WONDERFUL! I also expressed my concern about my low follicle count from the previous week and asked at what point would they not recommend IVF? He looked at me like I had 5 heads so I kept with my question as to how low was too low of a follicle count for IVF? He told me “when it’s zero than it’s too low”
I left with mixed emotions. While I appreciate his let’s not give up until we have to attitude at the same time do I really want to put myself through all of that with such a low number? He did say it varies from month to month and my body is still just get back to normal so it could be better next month. This is what also makes me feel antsy…all of the coulds, shoulds and maybes. Nothing is ever just yes or no but I guess neither is life. So for now, I am trying to be ok with antsy and all of the coulds, shoulds and maybes.
I thought this would be most appropriate for today’s post: