Recently I have been questioning a lot about whether or not to continue to keep going in this battle to have a baby. I have struggled a lot with even asking myself this question because for as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom. I still do. So for me to actually consider what a life might look like without that feels very strange. But I am starting to think about how much this quest is costing me and how much further can I keep going? I have spent a LOT of time worrying, agonizing, panicking, analyzing, questioning, etc. AND it’s exhausting! I am tired. I have let this affect almost all other areas of my life: my relationships, my teaching, my health, and just my general well-being. That’s the part of infertility that I hate the most is that it consumes you even when you try as hard as you can to not let it consume your life.
I found 2 things this past week that really hit home for me in regards to where I am in my journey. The first was this quote from fellow blogger at Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen She posted this on her facebook page:
The 2nd was this post from another blogger at Ever Upward She writes in her post about Defining Our Enoughs and Everythings:
“As I have written, I’ve taken out my counts; how many rounds of IVF I tried because I have found I included them only out of my own shame. Out of this need to prove to the world, and maybe to myself on some days, that I too have suffered and lost.
Infertility or not, we all must define our own enoughs and everythings.
Have you done everything you can? Have you done everything you need to?
Have you done enough? Have you lost enough? Have you suffered enough?
Defining our everything and our enoughs in order to let go, embrace and move forward.
I think we can apply these questions to many areas of our lives that we are struggling with.
Infertility. Recovery. Relationships. Dreams. This list goes on and on.
I think what we all must remember is that only we can define what is everything and when enough is enough. When we define these through others’ expectations or society or because it is “what we are supposed to do” it only comes from this place of shame; a place of not honoring ourselves. Our everythings and our enoughs can, and need to, only be defined within ourselves.
If I don’t hold on to this, I can very easily get wrapped up in the shamed silence that surrounds my infertility journey and my recovery. Because, technically, I suppose, we could have kept trying. Technically, science has provided many options for us to keep trying. Technically, there are also other options.
But to not listen to myself, my husband and our light and truth would have been the biggest disservice to me, our marriage and, in reality, to the world. For us to go above and beyond what we know is our enough and our everything would have destroyed us because it simply would not have been our truth.
Only we define our enough and everything.We tried. We tried more than we had planned to. But, we tried again because our losses felt that crushing. We tried again because we knew that our everything wasn’t met yet. Only we could make that decision. We need to explain it only to each other.
And, our ever upward.
To let go of comparison, especially in our sufferings and recovery, is to find our truth.
Because we all suffer. We all lose. Hard is justhard.
And, we all must practice our recovery.
Trust in your truth. Trust in your everything. Trust in your enough.
Because, within that trust you will be found.”
This post really made me realize that I need to stop thinking about what everyone else thinks we should do and think about what do WE really want to do. Often times we keep hearing people tell us to “keep trying”, “don’t give up”, “you can keep going”, etc. and while I am not trying to take away from anyone else who is at that point in their journey where they need to keep these reminders and need the cheering on, I too was once in that place not too long ago. But what about those of us who have cheered and kept going but are now saying: wait a minute, haven’t I been through enough and can’t I just be done already?? Or if we do decide that we have had enough will people think that we are giving up?
Many people I have spoken to who have been down this road before and ended up moving onto something else like adoption, donor eggs, childfree living, etc. all have said the same thing: “You just know when you’re done”. I can’t quite say that I am at that point just yet but definitely closer than I was a few months ago. The thing I am struggling with at the moment is separating out what I really want to do from what I feel like I SHOULD be doing. I guess only time will tell…
Still one of my favorites: