For the past few days I have been feeling a little cranky…correction a LOT cranky. I knew Aunt Flo’s visit was coming soon even though there is always that “maybe” she won’t come hope but I knew she was about to arrive with her cramps, bloating and wanting to eat everything that isn’t nailed down. I tried to tell myself that either way I will be fine. If she doesn’t come then obviously that’s good but if she does then at least I can go on vacation without worrying about being pregnant. And I can drink all the wine I want. Well she finally showed up this morning which then led my emotions to spiral into a variety of different feelings. I finally settled in on just feeling plain pissed off.
Last week, I posted about the 10 things I have learned by going through infertility. Well this week, I just want to say F*** You Infertility! You are a nasty bitch! Maybe I am finally moving into the second stage of loss and grief: anger.
This is my Top 10 List of What I Hate About Infertility:
1. All consuming- I hate that infertility consumes my thoughts even when I don’t want to think about it. One minute you are fine and then the next you feel like you are being swallowed up whole. I hate that it has consumed the past two and a half years of my life.
2. Roller Coaster Ride- I NEVER liked roller coasters and now I am on what feels like a never ending ride. I hate that I can feel 20 different emotions in the span of an hour. I hate that in one month I go from being hopeful to being disappointed and then it all starts back up again for the next 28 days.
3. Jealousy- I hate that I feel jealous of other people with children or people who are pregnant. Sometimes I am even jealous of my husband who already got to experience having his girls.
4. Isolation- I hate that infertility makes you feel so very alone.
5. Hormones- I hate that I have to inject myself with hormones to try to have a baby when my body should just do that on it’s own. You feel 10 times worse on them and some of them even mimick pregnancy symptoms! Just cruel.
6. Decisions- I hate that I have to make so many decisions just to have a baby. The really hard decisions like if we do IVF and have more than one embryo, what do we do with the rest? If we do chromosomal embryo screening and one comes back with Down’s Syndrome what do we do? If we can’t have a baby of our own then what do we do?
7. Crying- I hate that I cry so much. I hate that even if I am not actually crying that I am fighting back tears.
8. No control- I hate that I have absolutely no control over whether or not I will have a baby.
9. Miscarriages- I hate that I had to experience the joy of pregnancy only to be taken away multiple times.
10. Broken- I hate that I feel broken into a hundred pieces. Everyday is a constant struggle to put myself back together and just when I have a few pieces fixed, something else breaks.
So that’s just how I am feeling right now. It kind of feels good to get it out. Anyone else have anything else they would like to add to the list?
At my last support group meeting, our leader left us with a final thought: “You won’t be infertile forever. Eventually you will either have a baby, move on to a different option or you will decide to live childfree. But you won’t be struggling with infertility forever” I remember feeling such relief when she said that because sometimes it just seems like an endless battle but after hearing that I felt like maybe there is light at then end of the tunnel. Maybe not today or tomorrow but one day…