So it’s been awhile since I have written, partly because it has been super busy the last few weeks wrapping up the end of the school year and partly because I didn’t really have much to say. We did however just get back from our Alaska Cruise and it was AMAZING!! We left out of Seattle and visited Juneau, Skagway, Glacier Bay, Ketchikan and we were supposed to stop in Victoria, British Columbia but we had some “technical difficulties” with the ship and got there too late…that part sucked but we still had a great time. I got to experience some new things like a helicopter ride, walked on a glacier and tried escargot (it was awful but at least I tried)
Me on the glacier!
View from the helicopter:
This trip did NOT however help my diet but with food like this who cares right??
For me this trip was such a welcome break from everything and it really was so nice to literally disconnect…no emails, facebook, texting, etc. I talked a lot about this trip with my therapist who I have now nicknamed Dr. Crazian (short for crazy asian doctor). I love her! She lets me get all of my craziness out, calls me out on my shit and always seems to give me a fresh, objective perspective on things. Dr. Crazian really wanted me to set aside all of the infertility stuff and just be in the moment of this awesome adventure so that by giving myself some distance maybe I can gain a better perspective. The great thing about vacations is that you can remove yourself from it all much more easily and not be surrounded by all of those memories and triggers of daily life.
I was able to do this until day 4 of our trip when Aunt Flo decided to join us…4 days early no less! And of course, there are always those few days before she arrives where you start thinking maybe she won’t come? My boobs are kind of sore does that mean I am pregnant? I feel different than usual, does that mean something? You get your hopes up just a little bit in thinking maybe this will be the month and then NOPE there she is in all her red glory. Besides being a buzz kill in the romance department, it’s also just another reminder that you are NOT pregnant. On the flip side to that, this is usually when I open a bottle of wine and eat soft cheese free of any worry that I could be damaging another human being.
When we came back from the trip, I had this expectation that I would come back with a whole new perspective and I would finally have some resolution as to what to do next. But I didn’t. I definitely had moments of clarity such as when we were on the helicopter looking down at the huge glaciers and beautiful mountains around us. It definitely makes you feel like you are just one small part of this HUGE world…just like infertility is a small part of my huge world. I felt extremely lucky to be experiencing this trip and all of the other things I have in my life. I could also see my husband and I traveling to all of the different places we want to go which is something we wouldn’t be able to do if we had a baby or at least not as much as we would like. I enjoyed just being the two of us and feeling like a normal couple again. At the same time I also felt like I was “cheating” on my baby dream because I was starting to imagine what it would be like if a baby doesn’t happen and some of it looked kind of nice.
So I guess the big questions for me right now are do I feel like we have done enough and will I feel like it was enough 5 years from now? If I don’t do IVF will I regret it down the road? I know I am not ready to give up just yet but still not sure how much more fight I have left in me. I also realized that both lives, one that includes a baby and one that doesn’t, could both be pretty amazing and that is a comforting feeling. While I wish I didn’t have to be on this infertility journey, there is no one else I would rather be on this crazy ride with than my husband and best friend.