Why did I test??!

This post was from a few weeks ago and I was too scared to post this then but am feeling a little braver now so here it goes:

So I am not sure if and when I will post this as I am currently in the pee on a stick limbo but in my attempt to not drive myself crazy I thought I would write.  I am hoping that I will get to write something good at the end of this post and that I will look back on it and laugh at how silly I am being for being scared to even write it but right now I am not laughing.  So maybe in a few weeks I will post this:

I was due for my period on Monday and have been having on and off cramps and very light spotting since last Thursday.  I thought for sure Aunt Flo would be making her presence known at any minute but as the days passed nothing.  So I decided yesterday at 2:30 p.m. that I was going to take a home test and it was positive.  The usual response should be “YAY!  OMG I am pregnant!!!!”  But for us RPL’ers the response is usually “Really?  Why did I just do that because now I have to deal with all of the what if’s”: What if something is wrong?  What if my numbers are low and this is another chemical pregnancy?  What if my numbers don’t double? What if I make it to 6, 7, 8 weeks and then miscarry again?  What if it’s an ectopic pregnancy? Because you know I haven’t had one of those yet!  Or a molar pregnancy?  OR what if by SOME MIRACLE this is it??

I called my doctor and went in for bloodwork this morning and should be receiving the results some time this afternoon.  So now I am currently in limbo and will probably be for at least a few days. I am really trying to be hopeful and really don’t want this to be loss #6.  Even if the results are good, I will have to go back on Friday and then wait again.   So until then I am going to try to stay busy and say lots of prayers to this guy:

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**UPDATE: Wednesday- So the results are in…HCG is 193!!  I definitely was NOT expecting a number that high and Dr. F seems very pleased with that so right now as always I will remain cautiously optimistic…until Friday when I am scheduled for another blood draw.  And now I am back on that roller coaster that I know all too well…I just hope this ride makes it to the end this time.

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**UPDATE #2 Friday- just got my second bloodwork results and it’s 444!  Trying not to get too excited!!  Bloodwork and ultrasound a week from today…a whole week of WAITING!!!

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Another Date…

This would have been the day my little one would have been due.  It’s so hard when we have these “dates” that are supposed to be happy ones but turn out to be another reminder of what never will be.  I would like to think that my little ones are up in heaven celebrating these special dates together with other loved ones who are no longer with us and one day we will be together.  Until then, I love and miss you little one xoxo.

I really like this.  It says a lot about how I feel sometimes.  While pinterest may not be the best place to find "healing" it does show some words of "comfort" from time to time.