Why did I test??!

This post was from a few weeks ago and I was too scared to post this then but am feeling a little braver now so here it goes:

So I am not sure if and when I will post this as I am currently in the pee on a stick limbo but in my attempt to not drive myself crazy I thought I would write.  I am hoping that I will get to write something good at the end of this post and that I will look back on it and laugh at how silly I am being for being scared to even write it but right now I am not laughing.  So maybe in a few weeks I will post this:

I was due for my period on Monday and have been having on and off cramps and very light spotting since last Thursday.  I thought for sure Aunt Flo would be making her presence known at any minute but as the days passed nothing.  So I decided yesterday at 2:30 p.m. that I was going to take a home test and it was positive.  The usual response should be “YAY!  OMG I am pregnant!!!!”  But for us RPL’ers the response is usually “Really?  Why did I just do that because now I have to deal with all of the what if’s”: What if something is wrong?  What if my numbers are low and this is another chemical pregnancy?  What if my numbers don’t double? What if I make it to 6, 7, 8 weeks and then miscarry again?  What if it’s an ectopic pregnancy? Because you know I haven’t had one of those yet!  Or a molar pregnancy?  OR what if by SOME MIRACLE this is it??

I called my doctor and went in for bloodwork this morning and should be receiving the results some time this afternoon.  So now I am currently in limbo and will probably be for at least a few days. I am really trying to be hopeful and really don’t want this to be loss #6.  Even if the results are good, I will have to go back on Friday and then wait again.   So until then I am going to try to stay busy and say lots of prayers to this guy:

st gerard

**UPDATE: Wednesday- So the results are in…HCG is 193!!  I definitely was NOT expecting a number that high and Dr. F seems very pleased with that so right now as always I will remain cautiously optimistic…until Friday when I am scheduled for another blood draw.  And now I am back on that roller coaster that I know all too well…I just hope this ride makes it to the end this time.


**UPDATE #2 Friday- just got my second bloodwork results and it’s 444!  Trying not to get too excited!!  Bloodwork and ultrasound a week from today…a whole week of WAITING!!!


6 thoughts on “Why did I test??!

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