So now we are all caught up to the present at 16 weeks 3 days and we just got the results from the new MaternityT21 test where they can detect the baby’s DNA and check all of the chromosomes (one benefit of being of “advanced” maternal age) and everything came back NEGATIVE:))) So no chromosomal abnormalities detected. I am so relieved as it was always thought that the reason for my miscarriages was poor egg quality so it looks like we caught “a good one”. Another benefit to this test is we get to find out the gender a little sooner. Now it’s like a REAL person and it just got a whole lot more real!
I am slowly trying to become more relaxed but of course I have a million worries but I am trying to enjoy these moments and not let them get clouded by the anxiety associated with the losses I suffered in the past. I announced at our monthly staff meeting on Monday that I was expecting. Of course in the back of my mind I am thinking: wow this is a lot of people to untell if something awful should happen at this point BUT I pushed that aside and just took it all in. It still feels weird to have people congratulate me or ask questions about the pregnancy, etc. but I am really trying to let myself settle into it. It’s a weird place…I still don’t feel like I am out of the infertility woods but I am also lingering around in the motherhood pool…even if it’s still just at the edge…one toe at a time.
One question that I have found that really bothers me is “Is this your first?”. Of course this is coming from people who don’t know me well let alone any struggles we have faced but it bothers me because this isn’t my first baby but I don’t really know how to answer that in an honest way that doesn’t include me spilling my guts to a virtual stranger. My heart still breaks for those little ones I lost and not a day goes by that I don’t think of them. It’s bittersweet to think of this little one growing each day while those others aren’t here. Someone told me “you just had to wait for a little soul to come to be yours” and maybe that’s true and maybe the others couldn’t stay so that this one could.
I go for my biweekly “reassurance” visit with the OB tomorrow and then our anatomy scan on December 5th so I will keep you all updated:) Until then I am saying lots of prayers, not only for this little one but for all of those others out there still in the trenches.