I have not been keeping up with my updates…partially due to being incredibly busy at work and maybe a little bit in denial. Last week we had our 9 Week 3 day ultrasound and all looked great! We even got to see the little one move around:) Heart rate looks great too:))
So you would think I would be feeling a little more relaxed as each week goes by with a good report…WRONG! Well some parts of me feel some relief but then all new worries set in because as each week goes by I get a little more invested, a little more attached and a little more afraid that something will go wrong. I try to remind myself that this is a whole new pregnancy and so far (knock on everything) all is right on track. I can’t lump this into the same category as my other pregnancies because they all had indications that something was wrong early on. But it’s something I struggle with everyday and the part I hate most about infertility.
My husband on the other hand has a completely different attitude. Here is a comparison chart I have made to show just how different we think:
My husband: I can’t wait to see our baby tomorrow!
Me: (usually these are my thoughts that I keep to myself as not to burst his bubble): How can he assume there is going to be a baby to see?
Husband: When can we tell people?
Me: When/If I give birth.
Husband: When can we think of names?
Me: When/If I give birth.
Husband: I know everything is going to be fine. (After I have asked how he can be so calm)
Me: Are you delusional? How do you KNOW it will be fine??!
Husband: What do you think the baby is doing now?
Me: Hopefully being alive.
Husband: When can we set up the room?
Me: When/If I give birth. I will just hold the baby until the room is done.
Husband: When can we register?
Me: After I give birth…again I will just hold the baby until we get stuff.
Husband: I can’t wait to take the baby for runs.
Me: I hope the baby has legs.
Husband: After he thought I said something about trying for a second child…which I did NOT he then says: Well we could try for a second.
Me: God willing we (me and this baby) survive this pregnancy than this is it so unless another one is coming by plane or someone else is having it this is it. I have made peace with the fact that if I was blessed enough to have a child than it was only going to be one a long time ago…unless I had twins.
Husband: So like would you get your tubes tied?
Me: Ummm NO I have had enough procedures. It is now your turn. Snip Snip.
So as you can see this is how differently we are both taking this pregnancy. I am trying to be more like him and just go with it and enjoy it. I am trying to have more faith that this will work and we will have our baby. Either that or he is more crazy than I am:)
Next week is my (hopefully) last appointment with Dr. F before I get released to the regular OBGYN and I have very mixed emotions: panic, sadness, happiness…all rolled into one. I know technically he is not really “doing anything” to keep this pregnancy going and is just monitoring me but I feel like it’s a safe place and I don’t know how I will do waiting weeks with no update OR maybe it will be better. For now, I will take a deep breath and just enjoy…until next week.
** Again this is my original post I kept in my drafts until I felt brave enough to post. I will continue to post updates and keep them in the original draft form they were created in…maybe just speed up the time to catch up to present day:)