So I have been working on this post for a very long time…in my head but just haven’t had the time to sit and actually put it print. It’s funny because I always thought being an “at home mom” meant you had unlimited amounts of time but it turns out that is not the case. I have also had mixed emotions about writing a blog post and what it should be about. Do I write all about Peyton or do I write about life after infertility? I was reading a post a few weeks ago that was written by My Hope Jar titled I’mStill Here and it was exactly how I was feeling…where do I belong now that I have actually had a baby after going through infertility for the last 3 years??
It’s a question I find I often ask myself as I am sitting with other moms during playgroups or events. This is especially true when the conversations turn to having a 2nd baby. I still feel that pang of envy when I hear a mom talk about how they want their babies to be __ years apart or they really want to try to have a boy this time or have a spring baby. I know I am blessed beyond words with Peyton and she is more than I ever could have hoped to have but I guess I was just surprised that the “infertility awkwardness” is still there and never completely goes away.
It’s still the uncomfortable question but instead of “when are you going to have kids?” it’s “so do you think you will have more?” My standard answer is usually “well Peyton was a 3 year journey with lots of bumps along the way so I think we are good!” What I really want to say is “well yes I would LOVE more children but after 5 losses and years of trying I think this was literally my only good egg so the odds probably aren’t in my favor. And I really don’t think I could handle another loss or the stress of another pregnancy and being worried every minute” But I usually just keep all that to myself. Once in awhile I stumble across a fellow survivor who will share that they had difficulties too and we just kind of give each other “the nod” that let’s the other one know “I got you sister no need to say anymore!”
So I still don’t know where I belong but I am trying to be more settled in my motherhood role and when I hear of someone who is struggling I try to offer support. I know what I have and I thank God every single day for her.
Here are a few of my favorites of our little miracle over the last few months:
I hope she makes you smile:)