In exactly 12 hours…

…I will have my first ultrasound to make sure there is “something in my uterus”.  I have been pretty calm this last week…well calm might be a stretch but more calm than in the past we will say.  I have felt like complete CRAP the last week and a half and it’s only been getting worse…I am hoping and praying this is a good sign as I have NEVER felt like this in any of my previous pregnancies.  So I will gladly feel like I have a never ending hangover and feel like I am going to be sick before and after I eat if that means everything is ok.  I have had a couple of panic moments with the most recent one being a few minutes ago.  So I thought I would list out ALL of my worries and maybe that will make me feel better.

This is what I am worried about at the moment and these are in no particular order…just how they pop into my head as I type:

What if they don’t see anything tomorrow and my hcg has dropped?

What if they do see something tomorrow and hopes continue to go up and then crash 1-3 weeks from now?

What if I have a blighted ovum?

What if there are  more than one somethings to be seen?

What if I have another miscarriage and it’s the first week of school?

What if I have another miscarriage at 7-8 weeks and I have Back to School Night?

What if my “symptoms” are all in my head?

What if we see another heartbeat and then it disappears again the following week?

What if by some miracle I make it past the 12 week magic mark but then something happens later?

What if I get bad news tomorrow and then have to go into work because it’s only the 2nd day of school l and I can’t call out?

What if I make it to full term and my baby has an awful condition where it only lives for a short time?

I am sure there are a million other things I could type but I think this is a good start for now.  Saying lots of prayers for tomorrow!!

*UPDATE 5w4d- the ultrasound showed a gestational sac and yolk sac AND I am measuring 1 day AHEAD at 5w5d.  Bloodwork all looks great as well:)  Next week is the big week and hopefully we will see a heartbeat.  It’s going to be a LONG week…

** Again this is my original post I kept in my drafts until I felt brave enough to post.  I will continue to post updates and keep them in the original draft form they were created in and in attempt to speed things up to present day I will post the others a little sooner:)

Advertisements

Why did I test??!

This post was from a few weeks ago and I was too scared to post this then but am feeling a little braver now so here it goes:

So I am not sure if and when I will post this as I am currently in the pee on a stick limbo but in my attempt to not drive myself crazy I thought I would write.  I am hoping that I will get to write something good at the end of this post and that I will look back on it and laugh at how silly I am being for being scared to even write it but right now I am not laughing.  So maybe in a few weeks I will post this:

I was due for my period on Monday and have been having on and off cramps and very light spotting since last Thursday.  I thought for sure Aunt Flo would be making her presence known at any minute but as the days passed nothing.  So I decided yesterday at 2:30 p.m. that I was going to take a home test and it was positive.  The usual response should be “YAY!  OMG I am pregnant!!!!”  But for us RPL’ers the response is usually “Really?  Why did I just do that because now I have to deal with all of the what if’s”: What if something is wrong?  What if my numbers are low and this is another chemical pregnancy?  What if my numbers don’t double? What if I make it to 6, 7, 8 weeks and then miscarry again?  What if it’s an ectopic pregnancy? Because you know I haven’t had one of those yet!  Or a molar pregnancy?  OR what if by SOME MIRACLE this is it??

I called my doctor and went in for bloodwork this morning and should be receiving the results some time this afternoon.  So now I am currently in limbo and will probably be for at least a few days. I am really trying to be hopeful and really don’t want this to be loss #6.  Even if the results are good, I will have to go back on Friday and then wait again.   So until then I am going to try to stay busy and say lots of prayers to this guy:

st gerard

**UPDATE: Wednesday- So the results are in…HCG is 193!!  I definitely was NOT expecting a number that high and Dr. F seems very pleased with that so right now as always I will remain cautiously optimistic…until Friday when I am scheduled for another blood draw.  And now I am back on that roller coaster that I know all too well…I just hope this ride makes it to the end this time.

thunderhawk_slide_11

**UPDATE #2 Friday- just got my second bloodwork results and it’s 444!  Trying not to get too excited!!  Bloodwork and ultrasound a week from today…a whole week of WAITING!!!

Another Date…

This would have been the day my little one would have been due.  It’s so hard when we have these “dates” that are supposed to be happy ones but turn out to be another reminder of what never will be.  I would like to think that my little ones are up in heaven celebrating these special dates together with other loved ones who are no longer with us and one day we will be together.  Until then, I love and miss you little one xoxo.

I really like this.  It says a lot about how I feel sometimes.  While pinterest may not be the best place to find "healing" it does show some words of "comfort" from time to time.

One Lovely Blog Award!

I was nominated by My Perfect Breakdown for the One Lovely Blog Award!  Thank you so much for the nomination.  I am truly touched and honored:)

20140915-one-lovely-blog-award

Rules for winning this award are very simple, here they are:

1. Thank the person who has nominated you. Provide a link to his/her blog.
2. List the rules.
3. Include 7 facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers and let them know that they have been nominated.
5. Display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Here are my 7 facts about myself:

1.  I am a 2nd grade teacher and have been teaching for 15 years!  I love every minute of it…well almost every minute and can’t imagine doing anything else.

2.  I am a total foodie…I love to both cook and eat.  I have an extensive cookbook collection and with the invention of Pinterest it has taken my foodie addiction to a whole new level.  I enjoy going grocery shopping just for fun…it’s a sickness.

3.  I am slightly OCD…not like I have to turn the light switch on 10 times before I leave or anything like that but I just really like things to be in a certain order and balanced.  I also enjoy making lists for fun.

4.  My parents divorced when I was very young but I got 2 stepbrothers and a half sister out of it so I like to think it all worked out as planned.  We are all very close and couldn’t imagine life without them.

5.  My husband and I met on Eharmony a little over 4 years ago…best investment I have made so far;)

6.  I also have/had a dating blog before I met the husband called ruserious2  and yes the stories are real!

7.  Up until a month ago I have ONLY ever owned Hondas…I crossed over into Toyota territory and so far I am happy.

 

One of the reasons I started this blog was to connect with others and I have found so many other blogs that I can truly relate to and find inspiring.  It has been so helpful on this journey to find others who are struggling with the same issues and know that I am not alone.

Here are a few that I think are just lovely and would like to nominate:

Just Stop Trying and It will Happen

The One With JB

My Hope Jar

My Life In The Rearview Mirror

Ever Upward

A Calm Persistence

Infertility, Why Me?

Little Jillybean

 Waiting for Baby Bird

Damn Royals!

**WARNING- this is a very shallow post and generally just me being bitchy**

First Princess Kate taunted me with her big royal wedding as I was going through my engagement envy stage of life and now it’s the royal babies!  I think she’s doing it on purpose.  It’s like she knows exactly what I am struggling with at the moment and just wants to outshine me.  Isn’t being royal enough??

I am totally kidding…I know she isn’t doing it purposely but isn’t that how we all feel at times?  Like EVERYONE is just getting pregnant on purpose.  We know they aren’t but it still feels that way.  This is the part I truly hate about infertility…the ugly jealousy.   The jealousy of others having what you don’t, getting pregnant without all of the worry, feeling like you aren’t a part of the “mom club” and the list goes on and on.  And then there are the Duggars with their 19 children AND counting!  I mean seriously could they spread the fertility wealth just a little bit??!

Some of the things that I have found to be helpful when the jealousy monster shows up:

  • drink wine
  • find other friends who will support your jealous thoughts without judgement
  • watch mindless TV shows that have nothing to do with children or pregnancy
  • drink more wine
  • blog
  • go shopping

Thank you for letting me vent and not be judged.  NOT that I am not happy for the Royals but do they really need all of the fanfare…would she be getting this much publicity if she were struggling with infertility??   I think not. I did read that she is suffering from acute morning sickness, which is terrible so I will give her that much.

Great Article on Baby Envy

A fellow fertility friend of mine recently sent me this article.  As I read it, I felt as though I could have written every word.  I too have suffered from that all too familiar feeling of baby envy and have felt extremely guilty and terrible for feeling that way.  I have even let some of my close relationships suffer because of it.  It’s not something anyone plans to have happen but it just does and sometimes we don’t even realize it until it’s too late.  It helps to know I am not the only one who has ever felt this way.

Consumed by baby envy: The new social divide between women struggling in their late 30s to become pregnant and friends who have children

By KATHERINE BALDWIN

But in her early 30s she suddenly became bitter, resentful and mean-spirited towards friends and even to her own sister-in-law.

The depth of her anger, jealousy and hatred took her completely by surprise.

Painful truth: Becky Bramall (26) from Hull, lost a friendship due to jealousy over her friend's pregnancy

Painful truth: Becky Bramall (26) from Hull, lost a friendship due to jealousy over her friend’s pregnancy

‘I was feeling this really horrible set of emotions and it was a side of me I didn’t think I had – a very black side,’ says Karen, a 45-year-old writer in Nottingham.

‘My anger at the time was palpable. I felt physically sick.’

And the reason for her dramatic personality change? She was suffering from profound fertility envy.

Karen was married and in her early 30s when she discovered that she would struggle to conceive. Knowing she wanted a family, and concerned that her fertility might have been compromised after her appendix burst during her 20s, she went for tests and learned one of her fallopian tubes was damaged.

 But as she began her fight against infertility, it seemed that everyone around her was getting pregnant.

Most painful of all, Karen’s sister-in-law announced her pregnancy just as Karen and her husband James were starting IVF.

The prospect that a new child would soon arrive in the family knocked Karen for six.

From then on, Karen avoided contact with the expectant woman. ‘I couldn’t listen to anyone going on about being pregnant,’ she says. ‘I’d have probably told them I hated them or something.’

Her bitterness extended to every woman with a swollen belly who crossed her path. ‘These people had what I thought I’d never have,’ adds Karen. ‘Often I’d just fall into a heap and sob.’

While Karen was shocked by her personality change, her behaviour is by no means unusual. Counsellors who work in the field of infertility say feelings of anger or jealousy towards friends who have had babies are more common than not.

And, as more women leave motherhood until later in life, and consequently struggle to conceive, feelings like Karen’s are becoming increasingly common.

New babies, invitations to christenings and ultrasound scans posted on Facebook remind infertile women of what they cannot do

New babies, invitations to christenings and ultrasound scans posted on Facebook remind infertile women of what they cannot do

Nearly a fifth of British women are childless at menopause, statistics show –  some by choice but many others by circumstance.

As Karen knows all too well, infertility can leave women feeling excluded from a privileged members-only club. At the same time, invitations to christenings and ultrasound scans posted on Facebook remind them of what they cannot do.

‘When people are diagnosed with an infertility problem, it’s almost as if women with baby bumps or prams start coming out of cracks in the pavement,’ says Diane Arnold, who provides support to women and couples via the Infertility Network UK’s professional advice line for members.

‘You want to be pleased for your friends, but deep down you’re thinking: “Go away with your babies,” ’ she adds.

But the topic of fertility and friendship can be taboo, and women often find their jealousy is compounded by guilt.

‘You feel like such an awful person. You don’t understand how you can feel mean towards someone who’s having a baby, but you do,’ says Karen.

Norah Harding, an infertility counsellor who helps couples through fertility treatment with stress-reduction techniques, agrees the emotions women experience can be multi-layered.

‘On top of feeling envy and a sense of failure as a woman, you can feel doubly bad because you’ve also become a bitter person,’ says Harding, of Reframe Counselling and Psychotherapy.

In surveys, women say infertility is the worst thing that has ever happened to them, even when compared to the death of a loved one, says Harding, who’s noticed an increase in people seeking emotional support around infertility.  ‘When someone else seems to get pregnant easily or accidentally – that can be really difficult to take.’

Karen found herself in that position when a work colleague announced her baby news just after Karen and James had decided to go down the IVF route.

‘I remember she would joke: “My husband only has to look at me and I’m pregnant,” ’ she says. ‘I could have throttled her.’

And when Karen heard her sister-in-law had given birth — just before Karen had eggs implanted after a first cycle of IVF — her response to her husband was: “So what”? She refused to go and see her baby nephew.

Then, there was good news for Karen — her IVF worked first time and she quickly reverted to her bubbly, optimistic self. It was as if a switch had been flipped.

'I went from being a recluse to being this happy, generous person who was delighted to see pregnant women and children, says Karen

I went from being a recluse to being this happy, generous person who was delighted to see pregnant women and children,’ says Karen (picture posed by models)

‘I suddenly had the biggest smile and was full of cuddles for babies everywhere,’ says Karen. ‘Overnight, I went from being a recluse to being this happy, generous person who was delighted to see pregnant women or their children.’

When she was a couple of months pregnant, Karen visited her sister-in-law and for the first time met her nephew, by then a few months old.

Karen never discussed her infertility or her envy with her sister-in-law and both sides of the family moved on as if nothing had happened.
Soon, though, the shoe was on the other foot.

To her surprise, Karen conceived her second child, Georgia, naturally not long after the birth of her first daughter, Holly, and she had to break the news of her new pregnancy to a close friend who had failed with IVF.
‘She was shell-shocked. She couldn’t hug me.

She found it really hard to deal with,’ says Karen, whose daughters are now aged 13 and 12.

‘On top of feeling envy and a sense of failure as a woman, you can feel doubly bad because you’ve also become a bitter person’

Fortunately, her friend did eventually have a baby herself and the relationship survived the infertility rollercoaster.

But things aren’t always so straightforward. Becky Bramall, a 26-year-old social worker from Hull, lost a friendship completely due to infertility.

Becky and her husband Mike spent two years trying to conceive naturally before finding out they both had infertility issues.

‘My close friend already had a child but that wasn’t a big problem,’ she says. ‘I didn’t mind being around children – it was pregnant women I struggled with.’

Then, one morning, Becky’s friend texted her to say she was pregnant again. ‘I was devastated,’ she says.

‘She already had a little girl. I knew then it was going to be too hard for me to continue with that friendship.’

As her friend’s pregnancy progressed, Becky found it increasingly hard to see her stomach growing or to look at her scan pictures. She gradually withdrew, not responding to messages.

‘I found myself getting increasingly upset and it just made it so hard every month when I got my period,’ says Becky, who eventually stopped seeing her friend altogether after about five months.

‘She did contact me not long after her daughter was born and asked if she’d done anything wrong. I explained to her that it wasn’t personal — I just couldn’t be around pregnant women. I just felt numb.’

Becky and her husband did finally conceive, through IVF, and now they have a three-month-old son, Finley.

After Finley’s birth, her friend congratulated her via Facebook, but the two haven’t spoken.

Becky thinks that friendship is over for good and she still struggles with feelings of bitterness.

‘People think that once you’ve had a child, all the pain goes away. But it doesn’t,’ she explains.

Pregnant pause: Many women who can't conceive begin to avoid expectant mothers

Pregnant pause: Many women who can’t conceive begin to avoid expectant mothers

‘I look at my brother and sister-in-law who have two children who are close together in age and I think, we’re never going to have another child without it being a massive procedure.

‘The anger and frustration that we can’t just have what everyone else seems to get so easily is still there.’

And things can be just as difficult on the other side of the fence. In a poll of 354 women conducted by the pregnancy and parenting website BabyCentre.co.uk, 86 per cent of women said they felt guilty when telling friends who were trying to conceive that they were pregnant.

While every woman deals with things differently, Norah Harding says some friendships may need to be ‘parked’ if one party is struggling to conceive, to be picked up again later when things have been resolved or feelings are less raw.

‘If you feel like people are walking on eggshells around you, that doesn’t help either,’ she says. ‘When you’re struggling with a sense of hopelessness, you’re very sensitive to imagined or intended slights.’

Sometimes friendships are never quite the same again.
One 41-year-old mother-of-two, who says the issue is so sensitive she doesn’t want to be named, explains she’s struggled for years with a friend she made at university 20 years ago, who has unexplained infertility issues.

 ‘Julia was such a brilliant friend, but seeing her every day with her big belly was so hard…Her body was a physical reminder of what I couldn’t do’

‘She’s been awful to be around,’ says the part-time teacher from London. ‘She’ll invite my husband and me to a barbecue and then add the comment: “Please don’t bring your children,” which makes it hard for us to go.

‘She tries to airbrush my children out of my life – she is always trying to organise weekends away with “the girls” which are almost impossible as we all have children.

‘I feel very angry that because of her reaction to her infertility, I always have to tiptoe around the subject of children.

‘I do try to be understanding and have changed the way we socialise to try to deal with the problem, suggesting we meet for weekday lunches when I’m not with my children. I have even thought about dropping the friendship. But, then, what kind of friend would I be?’

Experts say the best solution to fertility jealousy is to talk openly about what’s going on.

‘Women who experience fertility problems need to give themselves a break and be kind to themselves,’ says Anya Sizer, support co-ordinator at the London Women’s Clinic.

In a poll conducted by BabyCentre.co.uk, 86 per cent of women said they felt guilty when telling friends who were trying to conceive that they were pregnant

In a poll conducted by BabyCentre.co.uk, 86 per cent of women said they felt guilty when telling friends who were trying to conceive that they were pregnant

‘Feeling envious at a baby shower or fed up of seeing pregnant women doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a human being.’
But talking about fertility jealousy can be difficult even for the closest of friends.

Clare Axworthy, 32, and Julia Shields, 33, have been good friends since they met through work at a publishing company in 2005.

But, a few years ago, their relationship was threatened by infertility. Both women began trying for a second child around the same time — their first children were only nine months apart.

Julia became pregnant straight away and instantly told Clare, assuming the same would happen to her. But Clare went on to struggle for a year.
They continued to work side-by-side, but the relationship changed as Julia’s pregnancy progressed.

‘Julia was such a brilliant friend, but seeing her every day with her big belly was so hard,’ says Clare. ‘I felt that it wasn’t fair. Her body was a physical reminder of what I couldn’t do.’

At one point Julia, now a full-time mother from North Somerset, tried to talk to Clare about her pregnancy but she clammed up, denying that there was anything wrong.

‘I couldn’t say to a really good friend that I couldn’t hang out with her because I felt bitter, jealous and insecure,’ says Clare, who lives in London with her husband.

Clare did eventually conceive, just as Julia’s baby was born, and both women went on to have a third child. Clare says they both agree their friendship is as strong as ever now, but she admits things could have been very different.

‘Had I not got pregnant again, I’m not sure how I’d have dealt with it, and I might have cut her off a bit,’ she says.

‘I think it would have been really difficult for us to stay such close friends.’
Sadly, there are an increasing number of women in Britain who know just how that feels.

Contact the Infertility Network UK on 0800 008 7464 or visit infertilitynetworkuk.com.