Chemical Pregnancies AKA Natures Cruel Joke

For those of you who are not familiar with the term “chemical pregnancy” it is basically a very early miscarriage.  It happens at a point where a home pregnancy test or a blood test are the only evidence that you were pregnant and before an ultrasound could show a gestational sac.  A lot of women have them and don’t even know they were pregnant.  They might just think their period was late or heavier than usual.  I like to think of them as Natures Cruel Joke.

I myself have had the unfortunate luck to have had two…that I know of.  The first one was about this time last year.  I was a couple of days late with my period and decided to take a test for the hell of it.  I didn’t really feel any different and we were taking a break from treatments and any real attempts at trying to conceive so I didn’t really think I was pregnant BUT low and behold my test showed that I was PREGNANT.  I remember shouting out loud in my bathroom “WHAT??!” because I really didn’t think that was going to be the result.  I quickly called my doctors office and they told me to come in the next day for bloodwork.  This time I was actually happy to go in for bloodwork.

I remember feeling so many different emotions but most of all I remember thinking that this was going to be it.  This was going to be my rainbow baby, third time is a charm, light at the end of the tunnel etc.  And then I got the call from Nurse T who told me that yes I was in fact pregnant but that my hcg level was on the low side at 30 so we should be cautiously optimistic until we see if my levels are doubling.  So of course all of those hopes and dreams came crashing down…again!  I waited the 48 hours to go back again which always seems like an eternity and then got the dreaded call from Nurse T that my hcg level had dropped and that she was sorry but it looked like a chemical pregnancy.  So that was that.  It was pretty much over before it even started and now nothing left to do but wait for my period.

The second one was last October and pretty much the same scenario as the first except I remember shouting out “FUCK” when I saw my home pregnancy test said I was pregnant.  I remember feeling pissed off because I just knew it wasn’t going to be good and I didn’t want to go through this all again.  And I was pissed off because I couldn’t just be happy.  I felt bad that I couldn’t just be happy.  Infertility is like a dark cloud that just hangs over any potential good news you might get.  Always waiting to shit all over everything.

So yes Mother Nature you have scored one for yourself with your chemical pregnancies.  Let us get our hopes up and all just to change your mind a few days later.  That is the only positive if there can be a positive is that it is very short lived.  Instead of weeks of building up your hopes with a pregnancy it’s only a few days which is slightly more bearable but still a loss none the less.

For those of you out there who have had a chemical pregnancy don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel like you weren’t really pregnant because you were and it was real. I think of those two little babies often who would have been born in March and June and what could have been. xoxo